The good thing about gearing up for month end at work is that you get to wear jeans. The bad thing about gearing up for month end is getting to wear jeans. Nope, you didn’t read that wrong. Jeans Day can be a friend as well as a foe. As much as I get excited about wearing jeans, I do not like the ritual I have named “Denim Dips”. For those of you that don’t know about these, let me just say, I hate you. Denim dips date back to the early 1700s (made up fact, please don’t research).
As we all know, there’s a shrinking fairy that comes in between wears of our jeans. It’s his sole purpose to make your jeans smaller so that it takes 45 minutes to get them on the next time you want to wear them.
Denim dips should be performed as follows:
1. Pick your lucky pair of jeans
2. Put both legs in and get a very tight grip of the waist. Please avoid using the belt loops as this will only result in disaster.
3. Jump up and down several times then wiggle each leg separately. This should all be done WHILE also pulling upward with the waist band.
4. Once they’ve made it past your hips, you can now perform the official “Dip”. Bend over forward, then back, then side to side. Do front lunges, then side lunges. **please continue to hold the waistband** Now throw in a couple of squats for good measure.
5. Take a deep breath. Hold it. Now’s the moment of truth, will they zip? SUCCESS.
Over the years of performing this ritual, I have learned that it’s VERY important that this be performed behind closed doors. Spouses, boyfriends, and friends alike just don’t get it. It’s much easier to hide it than explain it!
I’ve decided this is why Jillian Michaels wears spandex so much. With spandex, you don’t have to worry about Denim Dips (just the muffin top it creates for those of us that don’t have Six Pack Abs).
Since it has kind’ve become my “thing” to end with a quote, song or rap, I’ll end with my new Denim Dip rap. Yes, I’m multi-talented. Not only am I writing this blog, a rap for Greta the dog, and Twas the Night Before Weigh In (to be shared at a later date) but I’ve also written the first verse of what I can only imagine will soon be a hit in the rap world. Please sing the following while performing Steps 3 & 4 above.
My hips, my thighs
My scale’s been tellin’ me lies
Dip front, then back and side to side,
Don’t stress out, take it all in stride.
Soon to be named Da Fluff (my rapper name),
Fluffy in Frisco